Dinner Parties "You must come round for dinner!" Important words. You have been accepted into English social life. The English rarely invite people into their houses. As the saying goes, 'An Englishman's home is his castle'. A castle with double glazing, Laura Ashley wallpaper and a satellite dish. We spend huge amounts of money decorating and renovating our houses, and then ensure as few people can admire them as possible. So a dinner party invitation is an entry into a new world. But, like everything else in this strange country, you must know about the customs and etiquette. Do the wrong thing, and you may not be invited again. Here is a list of the right things, and the wrong things. Remember them. If you have an unpleasant meal, you can make sure you are not invited again. 1. Arrive at the correct time (late) The 'correct' time is 20 minutes late. This is because a dinner always takes 20 minutes longer to prepare than people expect. If someone says, 'Come at 8pm', and you arrive at 8pm, your hosts will be panicking in the kitchen. So arrive at 8.20pm, and apologise for being late. Blame the traffic, the weather, or the one-way system. These are always valid excuses, received with sympathy. Your hosts should now be ready, with no sign of the panic 20 minutes ago. Face is saved all round. If necessary, arrive early then wait outside, so you can knock on the door late by the correct amount. 2. Don't compliment the decor yet In England, other people's taste in decor is always considered dreadful, but one's own taste is excellent. So before complimenting your hosts on their lovely house, first ask if the Laura Ashley wallpaper and satellite dish were put up by them, or the previous occupiers. If they put them up themselves, say how nice they are. If the previous occupiers did, look doubtful. 3. Bring a good wine (the second worst) A 'good' wine is the second cheapest red in the supermarket. Do not bring an expensive wine. No-one in England can taste the difference, and they will be embarrassed if they do not enjoy an expensive wine. Avoid France (too obvious) Rumania or Hungary (unreliable) or America (boring). South America is a good choice. Wait for your hosts to taste it. To know how much they like it, ignore the words, and count the number of ms in "Mmmmm!". For example, here is what they might say: "Mm. That's nice" = Not very nice. "Mmmm. This is very good" = Fairly good. "Mmmmmmmmm! This is not bad at all" = Very good indeed. If they like it, be sure to say how cheap it was. This shows you can find a bargain. Say things like, 'It's only four pounds a bottle, but these Uruguayan Merlots are not bad at all.' 4. The M-rule Your hosts have praised your wine. Now it is your turn to praise the food. As above, your words do not matter. Just say the appropriate number of ms in "Mmmmm!". If you enjoy the food, any words of praise will do: "lovely!", "delicious!", "gorgeous!", are all equivalent. Just remember the ms. If you don't like the food, don't pretend you do. If you say, "Delicious! Lovely! Mmmmmmmmm!", but leave all the food and then spend half an hour in the toilet, your hosts may worry. Here are some positive things you can say about unappetising meals : "Mmm. What a gorgeous colour!" "Mm. Very Italian/ Indian/ Chinese!" "M. How unusual!" 5. Ask for the recipe but don't write it down Whether or not you like the food, you must ask, 'How did you make it? Where did you get the recipe?' Your host will say modestly either a) 'Oh, I just got it from a Delia Smith book', or b) 'Oh, I just made it up', which actually means, it came from a Delia Smith book, but your host is too embarrassed to say so. Your host may show you the Delia Smith book with the recipe. Of course, you do not actually take out a pen and paper, and write the recipe down. Merely study it for a few minutes. Pick out one of the ingredients, cranberries for example, and say, 'Ah! Cranberries! I thought so!' 6. When to go home Difficult to decide. Leaving too early is bad manners, but staying too late is even worse. How can you judge the right time? Follow these simple rules: a) If the hosts open another bottle of wine, it is too early. If they offer you another cup of coffee, you can leave safely. If they offer to open a dusty bottle of bright green liqueur at the back of the drinks cabinet, it is time to go. b) If your hosts are wide awake and talking animatedly, it is too early. If one of them is yawning, you can leave safely. If they are both asleep, it is time to go. c) If you are talking about your (or your hosts') job, family, house etc., it is too early. If the subject of conversation moves more generally to England or Japan, you can leave safely. If anyone starts to mention computers or the Internet, go home AT ONCE. 7. Afterwards, don't say it was good If someone asks how your dinner was, do not praise the food in detail. They will deduce that the conversation was boring, and that your hosts spent three hours showing you their holiday photographs. And do not talk about the interesting conversation you had. They will assume that the food was particularly unpleasant. The better a dinner party, the less you should talk about it afterwards. The mark of a very good evening is that everyone gets too drunk to remember anything about it. That is what makes it memorable.

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