An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman... A standard type of joke begins 'There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman...'. In it, the Scotsman is usually mean and the Irishman is usually stupid. Similar jokes are told by other countries: by Americans about Poles, by Canadians about Newfoundlanders, by the French about Belgians. Such jokes are not fashionable now among younger people; in fact, being Irish is very fashionable. Being Scottish next most fashionable, then English, with Welsh last. There are many popular Irish rock groups, for example, and no Welsh ones. This proves that ability to sing is inversely proportional to the success of pop music. A puzzle: in the Olympic Games, we have one team, Great Britain. But in the World Cup, we have four teams - England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. (Southern Ireland, or just 'Ireland', is of course a separate country, and the most fashionable of all.) So is this one country, or four? Each country has something distinctive. Scotland has its own banknotes, legal and educational system. Northern Ireland has two religions. Wales has its own language. And England has all the money. The important thing to know, however, is not the symbols of a country. Scotland's kilts, haggis, bagpipes, Highland Games and so on do not mean anything in everyday British life. (And none, in fact, are genuinely Scottish, but were devised by the English.) What matters for a visitor to Britain is to know the attitudes of each country to the other. For example, if an English newspaper carries the story of a Scotsman who has won in the Olympics, the headline will be 'BRITON WINS GOLD'. If a Scotsman has been arrested in Malaysia on drugs charges, the headline will be 'SCOT ARRESTED'. Scottish newspapers are slightly different. When the great passenger ship the Titanic sank in 1912, killing hundreds of transatlantic passengers, one Scottish newspaper had the famous headline 'DUNDEE MAN DROWNS'. If a Scottish newspaper carries the story of a Scotsman who has won in the Olympics, the headline will be 'SCOT WINS GOLD'. If a Scotsman has been arrested in Malaysia on drugs charges, they will carry a different story, perhaps about an Englishman arrested somewhere else. You have to be sensitive to the attitudes of each country to the other. Like neighbours in a cramped apartment block, we each like to think that the others are a little strange. For example, each country thinks they speak English perfectly themselves, but the others have an amusing and difficult regional accent. Here is your guide to the image of each country as seen by the others. The English The English are seen by the others as either 1. football hooligans 2. heartless government officials or 3. emotionally repressed middle-class families who drive to the supermarket in expensive off-road jeeps. But on the good side, they are law-abiding, polite, and humorous. And, even better, for the other countries, they go abroad for their holidays. The other countries love to hate the English, especially the Scots. The quickest way to annoy a Scot is to call them 'English' - so remember this, because it could be very useful next time you want to annoy a Scot. They believe that the money from North Sea Oil belongs to Scotland, and that the English have stolen it all. They also believe that any unpopular new taxes or laws are tried out in Scotland first. The English are not English, but are all descendants of Anglo-Saxons, Vikings, Normans, and more recently, Caribbeans and Asians. The Scots The Scots are seen by the others as either 1. argumentative town drunks 2. miserly old country folk with large ginger beards or 3. confident media people who go on TV to complain about North Sea Oil revenues. But on the good side, they are excellent inventors (TV, roads, bicycle, telephone, golf, whisky, long pub licensing hours). And, even better for the English, they have lots of North Sea Oil. The Scots are not really Scots, but are all descendants of other European Celtic tribes. The Northern Irish The Northern Irish are seen by the others as either 1. stubborn Catholics or 2. stubborn Protestants. The other countries do not understand 'the Troubles'. Do not get into a conversation with an Irish person about 'the Troubles', because you will be wrong, whatever you say. The Northern Irish are not really Northern Irish, but are all descendants of Scots, or Southern Irish. The Welsh The Welsh are seen by the others as either 1. grim rugby players with black hair 2. Gloomy male voice choirs or 3. suspicious sheep farmers in pubs, who change to speaking Welsh when English people come in. But on the good side, it is a land of great poetry, song and vigorous social life - all in Welsh, which is unrelated to European languages and therefore incomprehensible to the rest of the world. The Welsh are not really Welsh, but are all descendants of ancient English tribes. The others There is also the Isle of Man, whose inhabitants have UK passports but which is effectively a small separate country. However, it is rather uninteresting, and there are no jokes or stereotypes. Then there are the Channel Islands near France (Jersey, Guernsey, Alderney, Sark) again separate countries but with the same passports. These are tax havens full of retired millionaires, frustrated because the islands are too small to drive their Rolls-Royces at more than 30 miles per hour. In 20 years' time, devolution may take full effect, with Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland becoming totally separate countries. Where would be the fun in that? The Scots would have to find someone new to complain about.

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