'I want to complain!' The Australians think we complain too much. The Americans and French think we don't complain enough. Who is right? True, we are a nation that likes to moan to each other. The weather is too hot, or too cold, or it's too changeable. The government is crooked. There's nothing on television. There's too much traffic. Trains are always late. Young people today are all lazy and stupid, and their music is loud and tuneless. This is what the Australians don't like about us. But this is just everyday conversation, a way of making us stick together. We are happiest when in adversity. Yet we rarely point out bad service to the people responsible. We don't want to cause a fuss. If we are served a terrible restaurant meal, for example, we wouldn't send it back. We would eat it up, say nothing, pay, leave, and then grumble to all our friends for weeks afterwards. This is what the Americans and French can't understand. As a visitor, you can complain about things, and we won't mind. In fact, we quite like it. You might get things changed, saving us the embarrassment of doing it ourselves. If an Englishman complains about a late train, the train company would do nothing to make it run punctually next time. They would just think, "if he thinks he can run the trains better, why doesn't he set up his own company?". But if a Japanese person complains, this is different. We all know about Japan's excellent train system. The train company might be shamed into doing something positive. Such as sacking a few people. So here is your guide on complaining in England. Please do so as much as you like, and help make England better. Bad food We English don't have enough confidence or knowledge to send back bad food or wine. (French joke: An Englishman goes into a French restaurant. He can't read the menu so selects something at random. It turns out to be caviar. He takes one taste and sends it back, saying angrily, 'the blackberry jam tastes of fish'.) But if you are served bad food or wine in a restaurant or cafe, or if service is slow, more than 20 minutes say, you should also complain. Ask for the manager. First, apologise for complaining. Say that the food isn't very good and you can't eat it. If the restaurant doesn't care about its image, it will merely tell you that nobody's said anything before, and will do nothing. If the restaurant does care about its image, it will offer you something else. The problem is, this will probably taste terrible too, and involve another 20-minute wait. Restaurants expect ten per cent tip, but if the service hasn't been good, there is no reason to give it. If the food has not been edible, don't pay anything. English people sometimes have a strange idea. They leave all the food to show it was bad, but then pay for it all. They think this is a good way to embarrass the restaurant. Of course it doesn't. It just means the restaurant dog is well-fed. So be suspicious of any restaurant with a fat happy dog outside. Faulty goods Anything you buy must be fit for its purpose. It must also do what it claims to do. So, if you buy a pair of shoes that leak, or "one-coat" paint that needs two coats, you can take it back to the shop and ask for your money back. You don't have to accept a replacement. Unless you walked to the shop in your faulty shoes. The streets Bad street lighting; potholed roads; parking facilities in town; dangerous streets; plans for a factory in your village. To complain about these, you find who your councillor is from the telephone book and send them a letter explaining the situation. They will write back thanking you and promise to investigate. You will hear nothing from them again. Noisy neighbours A common problem. Surprisingly, there is nothing you can do. If you live next door to a student house where 130 of them have loud parties until 3am, the police can do nothing. If one of them has parked their car on a double yellow line, however, the police can do something about that. All you can do to retaliate is have a noisier party yourself. Lawyers Lawyers all charge too much and take too long. Sadly, the only way to complain about a lawyer is through another lawyer. So you cannot win. Shakespeare said, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers" (Henry VI Part II, Act 4, Scene 2). Tempting, but you would be up for murder, and need a lawyer to defend you. Trains The train system was privatised three years ago. The trains are still late, unreliable and expensive, but it is much easier to complain about them. If a train is very late (over 90 minutes) the conductor will happily tell you the address to write to, perhaps even give you an official form. By return of post you will probably get a voucher for £15 or so of free train travel. The journey you buy with that may well be late, and the process repeated. There are people who have spent the three years since privatisation travelling for free. The problem is they still haven't made it from London to Edinburgh. So please, complain. You can change things for us. Maybe in 20 years' time all we will have to moan about will be the weather.

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