Christmas Children love Christmas as much as adults hate it. The average child, according to a new survey, receives £75 worth of presents. The average family's extra spend over Christmas, taking into account presents, parties, and travel to see relatives, can top £1000. But for all its expense, we could not abolish Christmas. It brings out the Englishness in us. Take families, for example. On the continent, even married sons and daughters see their parents at least weekly. They give each other embraces and kisses. Here, families might meet up only at Christmas. They give each other socks and after-shave. This appeals to our sense of duty and organisation. We don't like spontaneity. That's fine for the Italians or French, but we like to have everything scheduled. This is why we have so many pointless Christmas customs. The purpose is not to have a good time. It is to reinforce the rhythms of life, to keep the year's schedule. Here are some of the Christmas traditions and concepts, and why they appeal to the English mind. Carol singers Carols are Christmas religious songs, many being Victorian. Around Christmas, groups of people go out in the streets. They sing a few verses outside your front door. You are expected to give them money, perhaps 50p or £1. People pay up after just one verse if the singing is bad, to get rid of them. But people listen for several carols if the singing is good. Therefore the worst performers earn most money in a night. This is very English. We prefer productivity to quality. Christmas trees Real, or artificial? We like nature, so we buy a real pine tree to put in our front room. The needles drop off because of the central heating, and after Christmas we take it to the dump. England was covered in woods and thick forests until recent centuries. But we like trees so much, we cut them all down and used them to make ships and buildings. Food Dinner on Christmas Day is a family affair. We eat turkey and cranberry sauce, with stuffing and sausages and lots of vegetables. Then we have Christmas pudding, which is rich, heavy and fruity. On the continent, their special desserts are freshly made. They put in delicious ingredients. This, England's most special dessert of the year, is traditionally made in June. We put in sixpences - old silver coins withdrawn 30 years ago. We eat turkey every day for a week after Christmas. This is not for religious reasons. It is because the turkey is always too big. Christmas crackers We pull crackers at Christmas dinner. These cardboard tubes contain plastic novelties and bad jokes. The American equivalent, the fortune cookie, contains a slip of paper saying something like 'you will become famous and rich'. Inside a typical English cracker we might find 'Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!'. We read the jokes out and all groan. It is not funny at all, but makes us happy because we think we could think of better jokes ourselves. We like to think our sense of humour is the best in the world. The worse the joke, the happier we are. Presents We have strange rules for giving presents because we are afraid to take emotional risks. What if a family member doesn't like an expensive present? They can't give it to someone else. It is an embarrassment. So families give each other routine presents like book tokens or money, or cheap novelties as a joke. With friends, it is not a big problem if they don't like the bottle of wine or CD you have bought them. They can give it to someone else. So friends get quite interesting presents. With business colleagues you don't care if they like your corporate gift or not. It is bought purely to impress. So they get high quality presents like champagne or a leather case. Cards A simple rule. Give cards to everyone you know, even those you don't. Cards produced by any charity are always well regarded, such as one which campaigns against wasting paper. Santa Claus We leave out a glass of sherry and a mince pie on Christmas Eve. We tell the children it is for Santa Claus, who comes down the chimney to deliver their presents. This must confuse the children. First, few houses have chimneys. Second, we tell them to beware of strangers, yet here we are encouraging a strange man to come into our house. Third, our televisions show anti-drink-drive campaigns every Christmas, yet here we are encouraging Santa to drive his sleigh under the influence of alcohol. But, as you know from boarding schools, it is very traditional to repress English children emotionally. Mistletoe We put up sprigs of mistletoe, a white-berried plant, over a door or on a ceiling. We can then kiss anyone we like underneath it. This custom only exists in England and no-one is sure of its origin. However, it is interesting that English people, unlike the continentals, never cooked with garlic until recently. Perhaps this is connected. The Office Christmas Party A modern tradition, but a well-loved one. The two weeks before Christmas you see many groups of office workers in town centres, a little drunk, perhaps wearing paper party hats. Frank discussions between management and aspiring employees can make careers - or break them. But that's not the main purpose of an Office Party. Barriers come down, sometimes trousers too. Two people from the office might have eyed each other for months. At the Office Party, under the mistletoe, they can do something about it. Continentals do not need a special occasion to seduce someone. We do. And, if necessary, we can blame the wine the next day. Perhaps some adults do like Christmas, after all. Unless the other person under the mistletoe has eaten garlic.

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