The English religion: cricket The English are not very religious. Instead, we have cricket. Few people believe in the afterlife, so cricket was invented to give us an idea of eternity. For some people, the game is heaven; for others, hell. It is a slow, stately game with a long history. Cricket has been going for over 200 years. In fact, some matches have been going that long, and still nobody knows who is winning. Cricket is the only game which has no "Rules": it has "Laws", like a fundamentalist religion. The Laws of Cricket are longer than the Koran, and umpires are ayatollahs. The equivalent of Mecca is Lord's, the cricket ground in London. Every cricket fan must visit Lord's at least once in their life. It is unlike any other sport. It does not resemble baseball. It is slower, and the rules are very complex. Often, it takes several minutes for the umpires to work out whether a batsman is out, or how many runs were scored. During this period, play stops and nothing happens. This is very exciting. Even more exciting is when it rains. Cricket has to stop in the rain, because the ball becomes too slippery. Players shelter in the pavilion, eat cucumber sandwiches and drink beer. The cricket season starts in April, a very rainy month, and stops at the beginning of September, a very dry month. This is to ensure maximum cucumber and beer time. Perhaps sumo is the nearest equivalent. Like basho, an international cricket match lasts several days. Through each day there are a few seconds of frenetic activity, and many hours of nothing happening. But the nothing happens in a slow ritual fashion. Like sumo, cricket is watched by crowds of people drinking beer, and the best seats are taken up by corporate entertainment. A very important businessman can spend all day with his back to the action. Unlike sumo wrestlers, cricketers are rarely fat, though the best cricketer of the 1980s who always helped England win, Ian Botham would have made a good ozeki. International cricket matches are called "tests". There are two types of test match: five day matches (which usually last only three days, because England lose) and one day matches (which usually last two days, because rain prevents a finish on the first day). The English team is mostly made up of players born in India, Pakistan, the West Indies, South Africa, and Australia. It loses to the other major cricket nations, because they have better players. They are India, Pakistan, the West Indies, South Africa, and Australia. Village cricket matches are more fun. If you are invited to play in a village cricket match, don't worry if you don't understand the rules, and have no white shirt and trousers. Everyone else is the same. The main skill you need is to eat cucumber sandwiches and drink beer when it rains. Don't worry if your side is not playing well. Cricket's rules are so complicated, it is often not clear at the end of the game which side, if any, has won. In baseball, the field positions have clear names: catcher, short stop, and so on. In cricket, they have bizarre names: "short leg"; "second slip"; "silly point". There are special names for everything, such as a ball bowled by a left-handed bowler to a right-handed batsman that spins in such a way that the batsman thinks it will move from right-to-left, but it in fact moves from left-to-right. (It's called a "Chinaman".) By the time anyone has understood this, it has started raining. Cricket has many pieces of equipment: bat, ball, wickets, pads for the legs and so on. But English people talk most of the time about two particular items: 1. The "box" The box is a piece of plastic, shaped like a bra cup, which protects the man's genitals while batting. In a cricket match, if a player is hit on the knee or the shin, this is serious. Everyone is sympathetic. If he is hit in the box, this is very funny. Everyone laughs. If a batsman forgets his box and is hit in that area, this is very funny indeed. If emergency surgery is required, this is funniest of all. The English have a strange sense of humour. 2. The car key The car key is used to test the pitch before the game starts. It is a vital piece of equipment. Players look at the pitch, shake their heads, and push their car keys into any cracks. They believe this shows them how the pitch will behave. Is it fast, or slow? Will the ball bounce sideways, high, or low? Is there a good chance of hitting a batsman in the box? It is also a chance for people to show everyone they have an expensive car. But expensive cars are a target for batsmen. A ball hit out of the playing area gets four runs. If it does not bounce (like a home run) it gets six. If it hits an expensive car, it gets a very big laugh. Even if you know nothing about cricket, you can tell when someone has played outstandingly well, because they look very sad, and keep counting their money. In village cricket, a bowler who gets a lot of batsmen out, or a batsman who scores lots of runs has to buy "a jug" ‚ beer for the rest of the team. It is expensive to play well. You can tell the particularly bad players because they never have to buy a jug, and so they can afford to buy expensive cars. So, if you do play cricket, make sure you do it badly, in a rainy part of the country. That way you will have an expensive car, free beer, and lots of cucumber sandwiches. Cricket is a very enjoyable game.

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