Fashion Too much fashion, not enough style. That's our problem. Elements of 1960s, 70s, 80s and 90s fashions are thrown together. Nothing is definitely 'out' any more. Think of any trend from the last 30 years. Long hair, short hair; platform shoes, flat shoes; flared trousers, drainpipe trousers; wide lapels, narrow lapels, no lapels... Somewhere it is being pushed as the latest fashion. The cartoon image of the Englishman is pinstripe suit, bowler hat, and umbrella. Maybe that applied to people you saw running London's businesses the 1950s, especially when portrayed in low-budget comedy films of the time. But no-one dresses like that today. (Anyway, most of the people running London's businesses now are Asian or Arabic.) We lack style mainly because we don't like to spend money on clothes. Fashion is cheap; style is expensive. Italian bank workers dress casually in new, high-quality clothes. English bank workers wear drab, cut-price uniforms. A French woman will happily spend £100 on a pair of high-quality knickers. English people, however rich, all proudly say they buy their underwear at Marks and Spencers because it's cheap, and who can see your underwear? A German will eagerly pay £400 for a pair of trendy new spectacle frames that look like bicycle handlebars or paper-clips or whatever this year's look is. The Englishman thinks, why buy a new pair of glasses? Do you wear out a pair of lenses by looking through them, eh? We believe we can tell a great deal about someone by their clothes. We think we can tell their education, their job, their class, even their diet. We often joke about 'Builder's Bum', for example. This describes the crescent of white-skinned lower back, the crease of the bottom just showing, that is visible because of slack-waisted jeans, common among builders. The larger the amount visible, the more incompetent we imagine them to be. Teachers are traditionally scruffy, the usual giveaway being a faded jacket with pens in the breast pocket. A new, cheap and badly-fitting suit suggests an Estate Agent; a rally jacket and tie, a Car Salesman; a sheepskin jacket, a Football Manager or Commentator. Here is a short guide to what we think when we see a couple dressed in a certain way. It also a guide to the image you can create by what you wear. Look: Soccer player Rating: High fashion. Him: Gelled hair. Suit with small lapels and four-button jacket. Any colour except plain black or dark blue. Silk tie. Expensive, pungent after-shave. Her: Small tight top. Tight flared trousers. Platform shoes. Small tattoo on shoulder. Nose stud. We imagine: They are on their way to a nightclub. She is freezing cold, not having a coat, and is walking along with her bare arms huddled up. They are classless, college leavers in first jobs, working in shops or offices. Every week, a new outfit. And a new relationship. Look: Weather forecaster Rating: Conventional. Him: Plain black or dark blue suit. On daring days, a blue shirt and yellow tie. Her: Bobbed hair. Small gold earrings. Skilful make-up. Quality cotton top. Mid-length skirt. We imagine: Married. Aspiring middle-class. He is a middle manager, his wife is part-time. They are university graduates who buy their clothes from department stores and High Street chains. Every week his work has 'Dress Down Friday', an American idea where everyone can dress casually. The idea is to make a better social atmosphere and encourage free thinking. In fact, his managers all stay in their suits because they have 'important meetings'. He sees that the casual Friday dressers don't get promoted, so he compromises: on Fridays he wears a 'Pringle' sweater, gaudy tie, smart trousers etc. Look: Ageing alternative lifestyle Rating: "Fashion is a symptom of runaway consumerism" Him: Greying pony-tail. Faded denims. Strange hat, bought on trip to India. Rucksack. Her: Shapeless sweater. Long hennaed hair. Jeans or long skirt. Large, dangly earrings and necklaces. We imagine: Not married, but 'partners'. They are environmentally conscious, and prove this by wearing only old, second-hand clothes. Well educated, especially about the evils of capitalism in third-world countries. They live in a flat full of books, world music CDs, vegetarian recipe books, and cardboard boxes full of junk. Look: People buying lottery tickets in shops Her: Hair scraped back. Lots of make-up. Narrow trousers or very short skirt. Stiletto shoes. Several earrings. Him: 'Shell suit' (tracksuit-like outfit of shiny artificial material). Cropped hair. Large tattoos. Trainers. Earring in left ear. Rating: Common. We imagine: Working-class couple, perhaps living in a block of council flats. Little education. If they win the lottery they will emigrate to a warmer country, but come back because it is full of foreigners and you can't get 'EastEnders' on the TV. Look: People waiting at bus stop Rating: Oh dear... Him: Tie, incompetently fastened so that the thin bit is longer than the fat bit. Grubby trousers. Zipper jacket. Long strands of hair combed over bald patch which come loose in the wind. Ancient plastic-frame spectacles repaired with sticking-plaster. Her: Everything bought from her mail-order catalogue. Perm. Shopping bag. We imagine: Married many years. Old working-class. He is self-employed and proudly says he was educated at the 'University of Life' - obviously not the Faculty of Design. They complain about the ridiculous hairstyles and fashions worn by young people. So in Britain, you need never worry about your clothes. You cannot look cheap here. The Japanese sense of style is always appropriate; and being conventional is never wrong. A quick glance round a department store - the ultimate in convention and middle-brow quality - will show you the right sort of clothes and prices. And if anyone asks you back home how to look typically English, you can reply that it's simple: cover yourself with glue and dive through a wardrobe.

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