Television
We're good, but not very good, at most things. But there is one thing we believe we are best in the world at: television.
In football, Germany always beats us in the semi-final. But could they produce top-quality comedy like ours? They have no sense of humour, because they always win!
Italy's attractive well-dressed people make us look dull. But could they make wildlife programmes like ours? Never - the only wildlife they want to watch is housewives undressing on afternoon game shows.
France's food puts ours to shame. But they don't have 26 different TV programmes about food and drink every week.
America's economy towers over ours. But ask them to make a period costume drama and they'd condense three hours of Jane Austen down to five minutes, in between adverts for Coca-Cola.
Television is our national pride, and our main activity. Perhaps we like staying indoors because of our unreliable weather. On average each adult watches three hours a day, and we think it's time well spent. Every morning in offices, school buses, shops and in family phone conversations, everyone talks about what they saw on TV last night. Wasn't 'The Fast Show' funny? Do you like the new weather girl? What do you think about the new scandal in 'EastEnders'? And so on.
Soap operas are very important. People and newspapers discuss the events and characters as if they were real. When men and women are deciding if they fancy each other, they have to like the same soap operas. Maybe they share the same musical tastes, political views and religion. But if he loves 'Brookside' and hates 'Coronation Street', while she hates 'Corrie' and loves 'Brookie', a relationship is out of the question.
To own a television, you must have a licence, costing £84.50 annually. All the money goes to the BBC, which produces two of the five national channels. (The others are financed by advertising.) Everyone hates the licence fee, but everyone knows it works, because the BBC makes the best programmes. Margaret Thatcher tried to make the BBC take advertising. She wanted to privatise TV supply, just as she had privatised electricity, gas and water supply. She failed. We think our licence system is unique in the world, and that's the reason our programmes are so good. (Nobody here knows about NHK. We only know of one Japanese TV programme: 'Endurance'. We think that represents all Japanese TV.)
Here is your guide to the TV channels, and what to say about them.
BBC1
Nicknamed 'Auntie' for its middle-aged, cosy image. Very high viewing.
Good points: Expensive period costume dramas. Middlebrow popular comedy. Sport. News. Wildlife programmes.
We joke about: The BBC always repeating programmes. Because we watch so much TV, we think nothing should ever be repeated. People repeat this complaint more than programmes.
Watch this for insight: The soap opera 'EastEnders' is what northerners think southerners are all like.
BBC2
More intellectual and ground-breaking than BBC1. If BBC1 is Auntie, BBC2 is a clever Uncle who reads lots of books. Sporadic viewing.
Good points: Current affairs and news. Documentaries. Arts. Drama. New comedy.
We joke about: Hours and hours of snooker and cricket. The 'Open University' (educational programmes for adults studying for degrees at home) - hairy, scruffy university lecturers talking to the camera wearing outdated fashions.
Watch this for insight: 'The Fast Show', with its collection of English stereotypes as comic characters. Snooker and cricket - to wonder at what sort of society can have these among their most popular TV programmes.
ITV
The main commercial channel. ITV is the middle-aged double-glazing salesman son of the family. High viewing, currently losing to the BBC.
Good points: Soap operas and popular drama. Light entertainment.
We joke about: The adverts - we say they're much better than the programmes in between. Downmarket game shows. Daytime TV, famously cheap and trivial.
Watch this for insight: The soap opera 'Coronation Street' is what southerners think northerners are all like.
Channel 4
Set up as a commercial rival to BBC2 15 years ago. Surprisingly, has succeeded. C4 is like the arty student of the family, with a wide but short attention span.
Good points: Arts. News. Documentaries. Lifestyle. Quality foreign programmes.
We joke about: Its obscure foreign programmes. (Animated cartoons of political satire from Czechoslovakia; sumo.)
Watch this for insight: 'Countdown', a leisurely game show where contestants do mathematics and make anagrams. Popular among middle-aged viewers. For when the snooker and cricket becomes too exciting. Channel 5 launched with the Spice Girls; Channel 4 launched with Countdown.
Channel 5
Not yet two years old. Set up as a younger, brighter, commercial rival to ITV. Reception is poor, or non-existent, in many areas. They broadcast a football match from Norway in a blizzard last year, and people thought it was the bad reception. C5 is the baby of the family: until it grows up, we can't tell what it looks like, or who the father is.
Good points: Er... it shows some football.
We joke about: The fact that nobody can receive it. The fact that nobody watches it.
Watch this for insight: You won't be able to.
Sky
Ultra-commercial collection of satellite channels. Hefty subscription fee (more than BBC licence fee). Sky is the teenager of the family: loud-mouthed, self-confident, flash, no culture.
Good points: Huge, detailed sports coverage, especially soccer and cricket. Movie channels.
We joke about: The satellite link breaking just before that crucial penalty is taken. Low programme quality apart from sport and news.
Watch this for insight: Not the programmes, but the growing number of domestic satellite dishes.
Other satellite channels
Many. We joke about them all. Shopping Channel - who watches it and why? Discovery Channel - documentaries about the architecture of power stations in Budapest. Red Hot Dutch - semi-mythical porn channel. L!ve TV - very downmarket live channel; women playing topless darts is among the more cultural shows.
Digital TV is on the way. Within a few years we will have hundreds of channels. We'll then say what we now say about American TV: hundreds of channels, nothing to watch...
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