Office Politics
Most problems at work come down simply to lack of communication. In Japan, problems in the office are solved by consensus. In America, by confrontation and argument. In Germany, by logic and calm debate. In Italy, a new problem soon comes along to make the first one irrelevant. In France, they solve it by going to lunch to talk it over - and spend so long there, they forget what the problem was.
But in England things are different. Because of our English reserve, we are not good at communicating. So managers put up a small notice on the board saying someone has been dismissed, rather than tell them or their colleagues to their face. On the other hand, workers complain to each other about problems, rather than going in to tell the managers.
Women, the great communicators, are experts at office politics. They know all the gossip. The mistake men often make is to order women around. They don't like that. Much better to use women's sense of social organisation.
If a man tells his female secretary to tidy his desk, make the tea and go to bank for him, she will complain, and feel abused. Instead, he should look lost and worried. "What can I do?." he says. "I have an important meeting but I can't find anything my desk, I have to go to the bank... I can't cope!" His secretary will then offer to do all those things. She will still complain, but will feel she is in control. (Think of the similar but opposite trick women pull on men when the car needs a wheel changing.)
All this makes office politics a big subject. Everyone in an office spends a lot of time communicating with each other - mostly complaining about the lack of communication.
Here is your guide to office types, what they think of each other, and what to say to them.
Juniors and skivvies
Stereotype image: School leavers or plodding 30/40 year olds. Regional accent. Old car.
Desk: Sandwich wrappers, crisp packets, pop CD cases.
What they say about the rest of the office: Simplistic opinions about individuals, often based on personal appearance and imagined shortcomings of personal hygiene. They say managers are 'stupid' or 'horrible'.
Their complaints: That all they do is answer the phone and make photocopies, when they know enough to run the company.
How they complain: Openly and unsubtly to anyone who will listen, for example in coffee break, at the pub, or at dinner parties. The people they complain most about are the ones they end up getting drunkenly involved with at the office Christmas party.
What the rest of the office says about them: Tales of their naivety and hilarious incompetence in answering the phone.
How to sympathise with them: About their appallingly low pay. Not over the phone though. If they try to call you they will lose your number. If you try to call them, they will put you through to the fax machine by mistake.
Whizz-kid junior manager
Stereotype image: 20ish, smartly dressed, mobile phone, fast car.
Desk: Lots of glossy lifestyle magazines.
What they say about the rest of the office: Friendly to their faces, but subtly criticise everyone behind their back.
Their complaints: About 'inefficiencies in the office system' (in other words, all employees over the age of 40).
How they complain: Cleverly, targeting people in pubs, in the toilet, at dinner parties, and setting people against each other.
What the rest of the office says about them: Not too much criticism, as they might get to hear about it.
How to sympathise with them: No point. In two years they will be your manager.
Middle managers
Stereotype image: 40ish, boringly dressed, big German car.
Desk: Neat, tidy. Family photos. Management books by Tom Peters.
What they say about the rest of the office: They never name individuals, though you can guess who they are talking about.
Their complaints: They believe everyone under them is basically honest, but lazy, inefficient and reluctant to change.
How they complain: In their many daily meetings or in company newsletters, wrapping up their complaints in management jargon.
What the rest of the office says about them: That those management theories and jargon are all very well, but who does the work? Us!
How to sympathise with them: On the difficulties of getting their staff to read Tom Peters books.
Senior managers
Stereotype image: 60ish, expensive clothes, chauffeur-driven car.
Desk: Completely empty.
What they say about the rest of the office: Very little. They just talk in grand simple statements while staring out of their office window: 'A great company looks after both its customers and its employees'.
Their complaints: That it was hard to reverse into their car parking space again today.
How they complain: Only to other senior managers, at the golf course or in their club.
What the rest of the office says about them: Nothing; they have never met, except in the car park.
How to sympathise with them: Just nod and listen politely to their story of how they worked their way up from office junior 40 years ago...
Women
Stereotype images: 1. Spinsterish secretaries 2. Power-dressing career women
Desk: Efficient and organised.
What they complain about:
Men who treat them as women (expecting them to make tea, fetch lunch, want babies etc.) And men treat them as men (not recognising that they have family commitments, different emotional needs, want babies etc.)
What other people say about them:
That their bad mood is explained by a) wanting to have children or b) the time of the month.
How they complain:
At length in intimate circumstances (a small cafe for example) to someone they trust.
How to be sympathetic:
Don't attempt to counter their complaints one by one. Listen to the whole story and agree that everything is terrible. Never, ever suggest that their mood might be connected to either a) wanting to have children or b) the time of the month.
Old grumblers
Stereotype image: Dishevelled 40/50 year old.
Desk: A mess. Coffee-stained newspapers, open at jobs section.
What they say about the rest of the office: Believe they are all incompetent.
Their complaints: They have been overtaken by less talented people who only got promotion through nepotism and sycophancy. They talk at length on 'inefficiencies in the office system' (in other words, all employees under the age of 40)
How they complain: Bitterly, in the pub after work, about everything and everyone.
What the rest of the office says about them: That they're good at their job but bad at people.
How to sympathise with them: Agree that they are only one in the office who actually knows how to do the work. They might buy you a few drinks.
Freelancers and contractors
Stereotype image: Confident 30 year old, with expensive hobby such as flying or diving.
Desk: None
What they say about the rest of the office: No opinion; they don't socialise with them. Too keen on planning their family life, holidays, flying etc.
Their complaints: Usually vague criticisms about under-investment, undermanning, short-sighted management and so on. Exactly the things which have made it necessary for the company to employ them as highly-paid freelancers, in fact.
How they complain: Only after they've left, been on holiday to Australia for six months, and run into you in a bar by chance
What the rest of the office says about them: Jealousy over their huge hourly pay rate
How to sympathise with them: About the terrible uncertainty of their hand-to-mouth existence, not knowing whether to spend the summer travelling round Australia or New Zealand
Going Native