Town and Country
In England, we like to own things. In Europe, people usually rent houses; here, we prefer to buy them. In the days of the British Empire, we owned a quarter of the world. So it no surprise that all the countryside in England is owned by someone. The fish in the streams. The fruit in the trees. The animals in the fields (which soon become dead animals in glass cases).
But times change. Almost all the British Empire has been handed back. And now, the government is trying to give townsfolk more access to the countryside. Townsfolk want to stop country people hunting those animals, too. Recently, a law to ban fox-hunting was only blocked by tactical time-wasting. Farmers have lost money because of the BSE crisis, which they see as the government's fault (and which burger-eaters see as the farmers' fault). So country people are not happy, and are blaming townies for everything, including the bad weather.
A few weeks ago, London saw the biggest public demonstration of recent decades. Over a millions people from the countryside came to protest. Townies missed this because they were too busy following their favourite soap operas - for example, 'Emmerdale' on ITV and 'The Archers' on BBC Radio 4, both set in the country. Townies can tell you all the happenings on the farms in either programme. Real farmers can't - they are too busy at work in the fields. Or going on demonstrations.
Country folk see themselves as the real people, guardians of tradition and the countryside. Everyone from outside their village is a 'townie', including you. So here is your guide to what townies think about the countryside and country folk, and what they think about you.
Villages
Townies image: Pretty and peaceful. There is a church. A church hall where ladies sell home-made jam and men sell home-grown vegetables. A quiet country pub, full of old wooden furniture. A corner shop that sells everything. Everywhere is the smell of new-mown hay.
In fact, the church has closed down. The church hall is full of people selling expensive antiques. The pub was refurbished last year with traditional slot machines, large-screen cable TV, and English country furniture made in Taiwan. The corner shop rents videos. Everywhere is the smell of new-laid cow dung.
There are three types of country person: farmer, landowner and incomer.
Farmers
Townies' view of them: Scowling man in black wellington boots, driving a tractor at 10mph in front of you in a narrow country lane. Places barbed wire across any public footpath on his land and puts a bull in it. Has a shotgun. Incomprehensible country accent. Married someone he has known since childhood - for example his cousin, or sister. Is subsidised by the EU's CAP (Common Agricultural Policy) either to grow nothing or far too much.
Their view of townies: Troublemakers who think the country is a Disneyland-style holiday park. They drive in, park blocking a gate, tread on their crops, leave gates open, drop litter, and drive home again. They don't understand the hard and dirty work that farmers do, maintaining the land and providing food.
Typical quote: 'Get off my land!'
What they complain about: Bad weather, which means poor harvests. Good weather, which means big harvests, and pushes the price down. Changeable weather, which makes harvests unpredictable.
Mistakes to avoid: Commenting on the facial resemblance between the farmer and his wife. Commenting on the extra fingers of his children.
Landowners
Townies' view of them: Wealthy people from long-established families in black riding boots, riding a horse at 10mph in front of you in a narrow country lane. Double-barrelled name. Live in a big manor house. They love animals, especially foxes and stags (because they can hunt them) and grouse (because they can shoot them). Upper-class accent ("like they have a plum in their mouth"). The Lord of the Manor is a repressed homosexual who has desires on the gardener. Unfortunately the gardener is too busy - having an affair with the Lady of the Manor.
Their view of townies: Troublemakers who don't understand that foxes, stags and grouse are vermin which must be controlled. Smelly, long-haired 'saboteurs' who disrupt their hunts.
Typical quote: 'A saboteur came up to me and viciously asked me the time, before hitting my horsewhip with his face and rudely bleeding all over the road'
What they complain about: That if hunting were banned, everyone in England would lose their job.
Mistakes to avoid: Asking where the gardener is. Asking where the Lady of the Manor is. Asking what that noise is coming from the stables.
Incomers
Townies' view of them: Middle-class people in green wellington boots, driving their Volvo Estate at 70mph behind you in a narrow country lane. Well-to-do ex-townies who bought up the nice houses in the village (and pushed up house prices so that local villagers had to move to the town). They have a nice hobby selling antiques in the church hall every Sunday.
Their view of townies: Dreary people who sit in traffic queues and breathe smog and who should escape to the country! All they have to do is sell one of their houses, and a few of their shares.
Typical quote: 'We love the peace and quiet of the village, but it would be much better with a few good Italian restaurants, a bank, cinema, garage, supermarket, McDonald's...'
What they complain about: The rise in petrol prices, because as poor country folk they need their car to visit the town. You can't buy fresh Italian salami, computer software, or Volvo parts in the village.
Mistakes to avoid: Asking if they know anyone in the village who isn't also an Incomer.
Going Native