Is Britain in Europe?
France is only 20 miles away, but it seems like another continent. We are an island people, proud of our strange ways, not used to different languages and cultures. But is Britain part of Europe? We can't quite decide.
We have been part of the EC since 1973 - but we are not going to join the European Monetary Union just yet...
We won the Eurovision Song Contest last year, a pleasantly silly annual TV event broadcast live throughout the continent. A group from each European country sings a song in their own language. Judges from each country vote for their favourite, and Ireland usually wins. But then, Israel and Norway also take part, so that doesn't prove our Europeanness...
In Britain, petrol must be sold by the litre - but beer can be sold by the pint...
England is the only EU country in which Europeans can stay over 90 days without a permit - but with food and weather as bad as ours, who would want to?...
The Channel Tunnel means you can drive anywhere in Europe without leaving your car - but you have to change sides, because we stick to driving on the left when Europe drives on the right...
To show our ambivalence to Europe, there are two sorts of English people: Europhiles and Eurosceptics.
Europhiles are typically 30-40 years old, and media or professional types. They once spent a week in Tuscany and fell in love with the Italian climate, fresh food and lovely scenery. If we join the EMU, they reason, perhaps our climate will improve, our vegetables will be tastier and our hills sprout cypresses.
Eurosceptics are older. They remember the war, and think Germany might still invade through the Channel Tunnel. They once went to a package holiday in Spain years ago and didn't like the food. They cling to the belief that British is best, and that if we join the EMU, our water will become undrinkable, our people excitable and lazy, and our chips taste of olive oil.
The same person can be both Eurosceptic and Europhile. For instance, bosses of companies that export to Europe like the business opportunities the EMU would bring - it would mean more money going to the bosses. But they don't like European laws to reduce their employees' hours and give them more rights - it would mean more money going to the workers.
So we don't know how we stand on Europe. But we all agree what Europeans are like. Each country has its own strong stereotypes. We ignore 99 who don't conform to the stereotype, but the remaining one out of a hundred confirms our prejudices. Here is our view of our major European partners by country.
Germans
Our cartoon image: A paunchy, middle-aged man at a holiday resort, probably the manager of a profitable and high-tech factory, putting out his towel on a poolside deckchair at 7am to reserve it for himself.
Our view: We still cannot forgive the Germans for losing the war but winning the peace - and several football matches. We respect their organisation and efficiency: if they invaded Britain through the Channel Tunnel, they would buy one-way tickets first. However, we believe they have no sense of humour, and so they are our favourite target for jokes.
We joke about: .Escaping from German prisoner-of-war camps - something we find endlessly funny, even six decades on.
French
Our cartoon image: A man with a moustache, striped shirt and beret, gesticulating, eating garlic, on his way to see his mistress.
Our view: We think the French are arrogant because they speak French to us in France. We admire their food, their chic, and their capacity to hold down several lovers at once. But we don't like their lorry drivers and fishermen, because they block roads and ports whenever a new law is introduced, such as one that reduces lunch breaks to only three hours.
We joke about: The French man who finds his wife in bed with her lover. The husband says 'Excuse me. Continue' (to show he is sophisticated). Indeed, the lover continues (to show he is even more sophisticated).
Italians
Our cartoon image: A stylishly dressed, swarthy man with sunglasses, relaxing in the sun, reading the daily sports newspaper.
Our view: A kind of opposite of Germans: disorganised, inefficient, but good-humoured and relaxed. If they set out to invade Britain through the Channel Tunnel, they wouldn't get past Milan - they'd keep stopping to enjoy coffee, pasta and sunshine. We admire their style, food, climate, scenery, love of children and the family. But we suspect everyone has Mafia connections.
We joke about: The Mafia putting a horse's head in your bed (from one of the Godfather films).
Dutch
Our cartoon image: Man with clogs picking tulips by a windmill by bicycle.
Our view: Not too different to us - they even have a good sense of humour. They receive the BBC, which delights their parsimonious nature as they don't have to pay a licence fee.
We joke about: The fact that the Dutch speak better English than we do because they watch the BBC all the time.
Spanish
Our cartoon image: A man waking from a siesta, picking up his guitar, thinking about going to do his job as a waiter, and then going to sleep again.
Our view: A vivid country and people of contrasts: heat and cold, light and shade, passion and contemplation. Yet the only Spain most of us know is the package holiday of concrete hotels, chips fried in olive oil, and bars selling English beer and showing English football, called 'El Pub Thatcher'.
We joke about: Manuel, the Spanish waiter in the BBC TV comedy series 'Fawlty Towers', who got everything wrong and could hardly speak English.
Belgians
Our cartoon image: An unremarkable man in a suit on his way to work in the government.
Our view: The least interesting country, where we think people do nothing but eat huge plates of chips with mayonnaise, munch chocolate, and do paperwork.
We joke about: The fact that there is only one famous Belgian - the detective Hercule Poirot - who didn't even exist.
If we win the next Eurovision Song Contest, will it help us make our mind up about whether we are European or not?
Going Native