Weddings
Some people think that marriage is obsolete. But really, it is more popular than ever. Lots of people like it so much, they get married two or three times. Each year 320,000 couples marry in Britain, only half of them for the first time. And each year, 167,000 couples are so keen on marriage, they get divorced, so that they can go and marry someone new.
Marriage is so popular that the law was changed three years ago to let couples get married outside a church or register office. (Divorcees are not allowed to marry in church.) Certain approved venues can now conduct non-religious ceremonies and stage the reception. These include Bath's Theatre Royal, Wentworth golf course, and London Zoo. The first shows Britain's love of the arts. The second, our liking of sport. The third, a very important aspect of British weddings: that we like all our relatives to be present. However badly behaved their eating manners.
Many aspects of weddings are the same around the world. The bride wears something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, for luck; her mother defiantly wears a silly hat. The bride worries about her dress; the groom worries about his freedom; the guests worry about driving home after all that champagne. And, of course, there is much ribald speculation on the forthcoming activities in the marital bedroom.
But some aspects are particular to us. Here is your guide to what makes British weddings British.
Money
The average cost of a wedding here is about eight months' salary - £12,000, nearly half going on the reception. (We are astonished that guests pay in some countries...) As for presents, we used to joke about how couples ended up with 26 toasters, but wedding lists are common now. Now the problem is in deciding which of the two things left on the list to buy, the expensive grand piano, or the cheap plastic camping mugs. The moral is to buy early, so you can choose something from the middle of the list. A toaster, for example.
Time
June is the classic month for brides, but last year was the wettest June for 136 years. Saturday only became the usual day for weddings this century (it used to be thought unlucky). Perhaps this was the brides' way of telling the men they can no longer do as they like - a Saturday afternoon wedding meant missing watching soccer. Until the 1990s, when big matches moved to Sunday. Perhaps that was why.
Honeymoons
The most popular destinations are America and the Caribbean - both English-speaking. This makes it easier in shops and restaurants, but also means the hotel staff can understand the first bedroom tiffs.
Stag night
Traditionally, the groom went out with his pals on the night before the wedding for his last booze-up, the cliche being to a strip club. There would be talk of removing his trousers, handcuffing him to a lamp-post or putting him on the non-stop train to Inverness, but this never happens. (The trains are too unreliable anyway.) The worst he would suffer would be a bad headache next day. Now, stag nights tend to happen several days before, to avoid the headache problem. (It does however give the train time to reach Inverness.)
Hen nights
The bride's equivalent is less boozy but often more raucous, the cliche venue being a male strip club. Not for the thrill, but so the bride legitimately has something to compare her future husband with. Especially when she wants to deflate his ego.
The ceremony
Every one must have:
1. A squawking baby somewhere whose mother takes it outside only after it has made much of the service inaudible at the back
2. A sweaty and bleary-eyed Best Man who got to bed rather late after boozing with the groom
3. An instrumental performance (trumpet, organ, guitar etc.) from a friend of the groom who proves rather rustier than he thought
4. Hymns people just mumble through, because the last time they were in church they were being christened
The reception
Every one must have:
1. An embittered former lover of bride or groom who gets drunk and says just a little too much
2. Feuding relatives who haven't spoken to each other since an argument at the bride's christening - look for the fixed grins on the group photos
3. The guaranteed tipsy laughter that follows the opening remark of the best man's speech: 'Mr and Mrs Brown...'
4. A page boy that throws up
5. A bridesmaid that goes off in a huff
And then...
The happy and exhausted couple drive off to their new life in a sabotaged car. There are tin cans tied to the back, balloons festooned everywhere, 'Just Married' in shaving foam on the rear window, and (so the best man claims) a rotting fish stuffed in the engine. Is that why he was so late to bed? And smells odd?
Weddings are expensive, lots of hassle, and a tricky exercise in family diplomacy - a good preparation for marriage, then.
But for the couple it has been a wonderful day. Maybe they'll do it again sometime.
Going Native