Politics France is the home of the Revolution. Germany split and later reunited. Spain had a bloody civil war. Ireland continues to be a place of troubles. But England's parliament is different. It prides itself more on the quality of its witticisms and repartee than its revolutionary ideas. We don't like extremism. In fact we're not really interested in politics. We like to know about political scandals, especially ones involving bizarre sexual preferences or financial misdeeds. Failing that, we'll just laugh at someone's beard or funny accent. We don't listen to what politicians say, but we'll make fun of how they say it. England is a very unpromising place to start a revolution, but it's a great place to commission a satirical TV series. ('Yes Minister', 'House of Cards', 'The New Statesman', 'Have I Got News For You' etc.) In France, a politician's sexual dalliances are of no more interest to people than which car they drive. In image-conscious America, an affair could bring down a President. In England, a minister accused of having his toe sucked by his mistress while wearing his football team's shirt might or might not lose his job, but he will certainly be the butt of everyone's jokes for a few weeks. (His name was David Mellor, by the way, and the team was Chelsea.) In Italy, and many developing countries, it seems almost every major politician has his hand in the country's till. In England, genuine financial corruption is much rarer. That suits us fine, because it's more interesting to make jokes about sex scandals. On 1 May 1997, politics effectively finished. The last remaining argument (are you pro Mrs Thatcher and her legacy, or against?) stopped. Everyone voted for Labour because they were fed up of the Conservatives, or 'Tories', having won the last four elections. (We're not interested in winners, as England's sports followers know.) In short, the Tories became deeply unfashionable. Tony Blair's New Labour party won the General Election with a huge majority. They have pretty much the same economic policies as the hated Conservatives did, so there is little room for political debate any more. Even the Liberal Democrats, traditionally strong in local government but a poor third in national politics, made an excellent showing. The three main parties all believe in privatisation and the free market, and they are all in two minds over the European Monetary Union. (Politicians are as clueless as we are when it comes to that.) But remember, we don't care to talk about party stances. We are more interested in the personalities. So here is your guide to how we see politicians. All politicians Power-hungry, devious and untrustworthy. Can never give a straight answer to a straight question, and blame everything on others. ('You plan to spend more on education. Will this money come from raised taxes, yes or no?' - 'That's not the issue. The problem is that under the previous government...' etc. etc.) Labour (old-style) Appearance: Dour, pudding-faced man. Ill-fitting suit. Regional accent. Rambling sentences. ('Indeed, and this is crucial, because the fact of the matter is, er, after the wasted Thatcher years, and indeed democratically, er, the British people, er, what was the question?') Background: From factory worker to union representative to councillor to MP - all in that same suit. Likely scandals: Always talking about 'democracy' and 'the will of the people', but allegations surface about vote-rigging when he was a councillor. Labour (new-style) Appearance: Dynamic young man or woman in designer suit. Mobile phone, laptop, coterie of advisors and spin-doctors. Classless accent. Talks in soundbites. ('The hand of history is on our shoulders...') Background: Modern minor university. Worked in Marketing Department of go-getting business. Became an MP in the 1997 landslide much sooner than they expected. Likely scandals: Same as other politicians, but the spin doctors manage to keep them quiet. Liberal Democrat Appearance: Middle-aged man in battered brown suit. Well-educated. Probably too nice to get on; not backstabbing enough. Always talks about the unfairness of our first-past-the-post voting system. ('Proportional Representation would make our education/ tax/ health system better, because...') Background: College lecturer, teacher or writer. Became councillor, but probably failed to upgrade to being MP, beaten into second place by the first-past-the-post system. Likely scandals: Few and curiously undamaging. When their leader was revealed to have had an extra-marital affair a few years ago, not only did his marriage survive, but his popularity rating actually went up. Conservative Appearance: Smartly dressed man in dark suit and blue tie. Either fresh-faced and young, or venerable and knighted. Speaks Queen's English, but often with minor speech impediment ('We totally weject the Pwime Minister's wesponse...') Background: Middle-class family. Public school. Father was also MP. Likely scandals: Lectures us on traditional family values, but leaves his wife and three children for his secretary. Tells us we should work hard and curb our wage demands, but he has three one-day-a-month directorships paying half a million pounds a year. Talks about punishing criminals, but prefers taking punishment, being caned by an S&M prostitute. The Scottish National Party and its Welsh counterpart Plaid Cymru have steady support in their own countries, but have produced no memorable politicians or scandals as yet. You can stick to the conventional racial stereotypes when discussing them (Scots irascibly proud, like a drink, sardonic, but basically good-humoured; Welsh dour, defeatist, poetic, sing a lot, speak incomprehensible language with too few vowels). Irish politics is best avoided - change the subject to beauty of countryside, vibrant folk music, literary tradition, Guinness etc. The truth, of course is rather duller than the above images or the tabloid newspapers make out. Most of the 650-odd MPs of whatever party are hard working back-benchers you never hear about or see on TV. An affair? A bribe? They'll smile ruefully as if to say, If only I had the chance!

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