Business Lunches 'There's no such thing as a free lunch', goes the saying. In London, there's not even such a thing as a cheap lunch. But food is not the point. The Business Lunch is a kind of game. A game of espionage, bluff, deceit, and red wine. A few weeks ago, a London banker made the headlines. He won back his job after being sacked for taking a five-hour lunch break. An industrial tribunal ruled that he had been unfairly dismissed. They decided that five hours - starting, incidentally, at 11.30am - was a perfectly normal amount of time for two experienced lunchers to take. In fact, perhaps the tribunal made their decision over a very long lunch. So why do Business Lunches take so long? Few business meetings take place in the evening. Evenings are precious, and so we spend them with the people who matter to us most. With our families, at home. Or more likely, with our friends in the pub. We often have work to do in the evening as well. But we do this at home, or by ourselves in the office. All this evening work is not caused by inefficiency or laziness. It is because that day, we have probably lost three or four hours to a Business Lunch. During a Business Lunch, you do not do any business. If you want to do business with someone, you phone them, or spend half an hour in a meeting room. The purpose of a Business Lunch is different. You try to persuade the other person to drink just a little too much wine and give away secrets, but not give away secrets yourself. Or better, you appear to give away secrets, which are not secrets but misinformation. Why pay thousands of pounds for an industrial spy when you can get the same results from a few bottles of cheap Italian wine and a pizza? So here is how to play the Business Lunch game. 1. Choose a distant restaurant Meet the other person at your office or their office. Let them choose which. However, you must choose the restaurant. The style and quality of food does not matter, but the location does. It must be a long way away. Ideally it involves a 20-minute walk, a 5-minute train ride, and a 10-minute taxi. If you do not know of a distant restaurant, go round in circles a few times. Tell them famous people regularly go there. Drop a few suitable names: Richard Branson, Margaret Thatcher, the Spice Girls, and so on. Why so far? First, the distance impresses the other person. It appears you have chosen a very good restaurant to be worth the long journey. But more importantly, it makes the other person hungry and thirsty. 2. Order the wine immediately It does not matter which wine. The other person is thirsty and will drink it. They are hungry and have an empty stomach. The wine will go to their head. You, of course, are not hungry or thirsty. You had a large snack just before setting out. You can sip your wine safely. 3. Spend a long time with the menu Ask the waiter about the ingredients in detail: "The confit of guinea fowl with a lentil jus and braised leeks is tempting, but are the leeks locally produced? Is the guinea fowl free-range?" etc. The answers will take time. Partly this is to impress the other person, but mainly it is to keep them hungry and make them drink more. 4. Small talk No business should be discussed until the dessert is finished. Talk about unimportant matters. If the other person hates sport, talk about the state of English cricket. If they are single and unattached, talk at length about your family. Give them a history of the fascinating industrial estate architecture outside Welwyn Garden City. The more bored they are, the more they will drink. The more irrelevant your conversation, the more they will want to talk about business. 5. Patience Wait for them to change the subject to business matters. If they are keen to talk business, they are more likely to give away secrets. Return each secret with something of your own - not a real secret, of course, but a misleading hint. For example, you say, "I'm going to invest in something I've not tried before. Something that's gone down well in the American market." But were you talking about your new product line - or the flavour of your ice-cream for dessert? They won't be able to remember through the alcoholic haze. If all goes well, you can pay, return to the office, say goodbye, and immediately write up the information you have obtained. You have given them nothing, except perhaps a headache. But if you are up against an experienced business luncher, things are not that easy. With two old hands lunching, the trip to the restaurant may take three counties, two ferries and a helicopter flight. The menu-browsing occupies two hours and three bottles of wine. The conversation is full of hints, winks and nuances but nothing more. Like a chess match, it may end in stalemate after several hours, with neither side giving way. This is no doubt what happened with the London banker. If this happens, you have one consolation. You have had a free lunch.

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