Adultery
We might not be the most romantic, but we are the most adulterous people in
Europe, according to a recent survey for Durex. 42% of us admitted to
having had an affair outside a relationship, compared to 22% of Spaniards,
36% of French and 38% of Italians. (Of course, America does everything
bigger and better: 50% of them say they have cheated on their spouse.)
Other surveys show that graduate men in Britain have twice as many
affairs as non-graduates. Women graduates are only half as likely as
graduate men to have affairs, but are still more likely to be unfaithful
than non-graduate women. Perhaps this is because graduates are more
likely to be in aphrodisiac positions of power, and to have the money
and resources to develop an affair. Or perhaps they're just better liars.
Borrowing someone else's essay and pretending it's yours isn't that
different from borrowing someone else's partner.
Durex makes condoms , which is appropriate. As our saying on adultery
goes, the spouse is the "first to suspect, but the last to know" - and
the final clinching piece of evidence could well be that condom, found
"by chance" in a jacket pocket.
Here are the other key adultery concepts. It's not a how-to guide,
but may help explain those tense looks between your co-workers, or that
guilty start someone gives when their partner calls on the mobile.
The cliches
The classic adultery situations in our mind are
1. Businessman in his 30s or 40s and unmarried younger woman.
He pretends he isn't married at first. When his mistress finds out,
he says he will get a divorce. When his wife finds out, he decides to
go back to her. Tell tale signs: He works late a lot, shows no
interest in sex, and brings home flowers guiltily. Renewed interest
in pop music. Many "wrong number" phone calls. Clinching evidence:
Earring down the back of the car seat; condom in pocket; some new wardrobe
item that "only a woman could have bought him"
2. Bored housewife who has a wild fling with the milkman, builder,
plumber etc. Tell tale signs: The standard joke we make with
any new baby ("It looks like the milkman!") gets not a laugh but a steely
glare. Children babbling about 'nice Uncle John the builder' are suddenly
told to be quiet. That dripping tap takes a surprisingly long time to
fix. Clinching evidence: The lack of attention he gave his wife
that drove her to the affair in the first place means he probably doesn't
notice.
How to react
We're not like the French, who are quite open and like to tell stories
about husband, mistress and wife all dining together at their favourite
restaurant. Nor are we as sanctimonious or tearfully apologetic in public
like the Americans. We maintain a British sort of embarrassed small
scale mindgame. So suppose you bump into your boss, who is with a suspiciously
intimate stranger in a remote restaurant. What to do? Don't ignore them
- that would create too many dilemmas (Did they recognise me? Should
I mention it at work tomorrow?). On the other hand, don't go over nonchalantly
and ask who their friend is, what they're doing out here, and so on
- that would invite too many lies, and if it is innocent, would seem
unnecessarily prying. Instead, give a slightly nervous smile, a quick
look at their friend (for possible future use) and say the briefest
of hellos, as if you understand exactly what's going on but can be relied
on to keep it quiet. Next time you see them, try to act as though it
was nothing untoward at all. They then daren't ask to find out how much
you actually know. With any luck, they'll think you know more than you
actually do but are keeping their secret.
TV and radio soaps
As in Shitsurakuen, adultery is a vital ingredient of our TV and radio
soaps. But a lovers' suicide pact would be unbelievable. In Britain,
we don't have affairs out of passion, we have them to relieve boredom.
(Such as the boredom induced by watching daytime TV soaps.)
Excuses
For men: "My wife was only interested in the baby. I know
what I did was wrong, but I needed some love and attention from somewhere"
For women: "My husband was only interested in his job. I know
what I did was wrong, but I needed some love and attention from somewhere"
We don't believe this, of course, but it's what everyone expects to
hear. Men talk about their misdemeanours like speeding, or a foul on
the rugby pitch - as if everyone does it, but only the unlucky get caught.
This lets them swiftly change the subject to cars or sport. Further
adulterous revelations in the conversation are bad for morale - it makes
the other men jealous. Women treat their misdemeanours as a cry for
help - they were driven to do it, and anyway it's always the man's fault.
Further adulterous revelations in the conversation are good for morale
- it's yet more proof that All Men Are Bastards (the standard saying
at female confessionals).
Revenge
We find violence distasteful. When American Lorena Bobbit found her
husband had been unfaithful, she cut off his penis. An English woman
in similar circumstances cut off something more subtle: the sleeves
of all her husband's expensive handmade suits. It got enormous publicity
and so satisfied her revenge by exposing his treachery to a wide audience,
without giving him any public sympathy. (Presumably his boss wasn't
impressed either when he came to work in a track suit top.) If you are
wronged, get us on your side by being inventive in your revenge. Go
for embarrassment, not physical injury. Women, burn all his trousers;
men, swop all her clothes for identical styles two sizes smaller. Failing
that, you could just do what most Britons would do: have an affair of
your own, preferably with their best friend.
Going Native