Royalty Different countries look on royalty in different ways. The French hated theirs, so 200 years ago, they killed them all off. On the other hand, Haile Selassie of Ethiopia was considered godlike by Rastafarians; while Scandinavian royals are respected, businesslike and rather dull. The British royal family is different, however. It is a soap opera. Every day, millions of people watch television to follow the latest stories. But, like a TV series with falling ratings, the plot of the 'Royal Family Show' is becoming more and more outrageous and unbelievable. The tragic death of Diana in 1997, for example, was in circumstances so bizarre, it could have been produced by a crude scriptwriter. Normal TV schedules were suspended. A nation went slightly hysterical. Mercedes-Benz's advertising department was faced with a tricky PR problem. Newspapers have tried to liken it to the death of John F Kennedy, but ran up against a big problem. The clichÈ about the American President's assassination was that "everyone remembers where they were" when they heard the news on 22 Nov 1963. Everyone had a different story to tell. Trying to repeat the clichÈ, journalists found to their dismay that everyone indeed remembered where they were when they heard the news that Diana had been killed that Sunday morning of 31 Aug 1997. They were all in bed. There are three possible ways to talk about the Diana incident now: 1. Safe angle. "Whatever the circumstances, it was a tragedy that a young woman was killed, and I feel sorry for the children." (Offends no-one, and can lead quickly on to more interesting topics.) 2. Political angle. "The people who mourned most were the ones who had bought the magazines with Diana covers, and who therefore fuelled the paparazzi who ultimately killed her." (Caution needed. Some will agree vigorously, some will be offended.) 3. Conspiracy theories. "Who really killed her? The white Fiat Uno? Muslim fanatics? The CIA? French anti-monarchists? Charles? Florists?" (Usually quite good for widening the conversation, unless you are talking to a French anti-monarchist Fiat Uno owning florist Muslim.) In Britain, we do not like to talk about things that are important. The Single European Currency, for example, will affect us all very profoundly. So we ignore it, and have no opinions on the matter. Instead we spend a lot of time talking about things which do not affect our lives in any way, and have strong opinions. We can have a big argument with someone, and it does not matter. Therefore the royal family is an ideal subject. Few people knew Diana, but most mourned her death more than they would have a relative or friend. By grieving for her, they could show what caring, kind people they were. Some were so kind and caring they missed family funerals and care of elderly relatives to lay flowers outside Buckingham Palace. Normally cynical journalists were so upset, they went out and wrote books about Diana. Over 70 books about the Princess of Wales have been published, which again shows how caring and kind the writers are. Even apart from Diana, people love to talk about the royal family. We discuss the latest revelations of the popular newspapers as if we were watching Dallas, or Dynasty. You should have a firm opinion on what each surviving royal should do. It does not matter what it is. Imagine you are giving advice to the scriptwriter of a TV show. You cannot offend anyone, because the newspapers print worse stories. In fact, the more ridiculous the suggestion, the more people will agree with you. It would make for more interesting television. Here is your guide to some things you can say about each of them. Prince Charles 'He should marry Camilla now, and relinquish his right to the throne.' Or, 'He must become king now, and he never see Camilla again.' Or, 'He should give up both the throne and Camilla, and retire to Cornwall to grow organic vegetables.' Queen Elizabeth 'She should abdicate and make Charles king now, because otherwise he will be too old when he succeeds, and he will not be up to the job.' Or, 'She must stay as queen as long as possible, because Charles is not up to the job.' Or, 'It's about time she got a new portrait on postage stamps.' Prince Philip 'He should shut up instead of making his racist comments on foreign tours.' Or, 'He only says what the Man in the Street thinks anyway.' Or, 'We should pay for a royal yacht. It's a cheap way of keeping Philip away from making controversial statements to newspapers.' Sarah Ferguson 'How could anyone get into debts of two million pounds so quickly? Disgusting.' Or, 'How could anyone pay off debts of two million pounds so quickly? Amazing.' Or, 'Has anyone actually read any of her Budgie the Helicopter books?' Princess Anne, the Princess Royal 'Her charity work is kept quiet. She would have so much less respect if she had publicity, like Diana did.' Or, 'Her charity work is kept quiet. She would raise much more money if she had publicity, like Diana did.' Or, 'Apparently, when she competed in the 1972 Olympics in Munich, she was the only contestant not to have a sex test.' The Queen Mother (Her official title is in fact "The Queen Mother, bless her, she's 98, you know") 'She'll be 100 in the year 2000. They're planning three weeks solid of television programmes. Isn't that marvellous?' Or, '(ditto)... Isn't that dreadful?' Or, '(ditto)... Good opportunity for gin advertising.' Occasionally, people will suggest that we banish the monarchy, and that Britain becomes a republic. That is a bad thing. Not because of any problem with the constitution. But, if we didn't have a royal family, what would we talk about? The weather isn't nearly as interesting. Who knows what the scriptwriters will come up with next?

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