Coffee mornings
Women are social creatures. It is the same all over the world. In some remote parts of Africa and South America, the men still go out hunting, while the women still go in groups at the watering-hole. Why this division of labour? Because hunting has to be done quietly, or the animals run off. So the men must spend a whole day not having to listen to anyone. They like that. The women, however, can spend all day talking. They like that. Everyone is happy.
But in Western society, there are no watering-holes. No regular place to meet and socialise. So women invented the Coffee Morning. Everyone meets up at someone's house. They bring a cake or some buns to share, drink coffee or tea, and talk. 'Talk is cheap', as the saying goes. And women are excellent bargain hunters.
You will feel at home at a Coffee Morning. The social dynamics are the same in Clapham as in Kurashiki. If you are new, everyone will make you welcome. If life is hard for you at the moment, everyone will sympathise. If life is good for you at the moment, everyone will be jealous, but pretend to be happy for you. And if your life is not good enough or hard enough to talk about, you can bitch about someone who isn't there instead.
Coffee Mornings always take place in someone's house, not in a cafÈ. This is because in cafÈs, women can go to the toilet in twos or threes, but in a house this is not possible. So in a house, if you want to talk about a person to everyone else, you can do it when they go to the toilet.
That is the same in every country. But there some things specific to English Coffee Morning conversation that you should know about.
1. Your children are abnormal
England is an average nation. We are average height, average intelligence, averagely good-looking, averagely good at sport. Therefore, we exaggerate any difference from the normal. We make it sound like a problem, but we are actually boasting:
'My little boy is not yet two, but I have to buy him four-year-old's clothes. It's such a problem.'
'Our little girl is six, but she's read all her sister's books, and she's ten. Now I'll have to buy some more, and they're so expensive'
'Our daughter has dozens of boys chasing her. They telephone all hours of the day and night. It's so annoying.'
'Our son is the star player of his soccer team. It's costing a fortune, taking him to all the games.'
2. How are you? (cough, splutter)
When someone asks, 'how are you?', the Coffee Morning answer is not "Fine, thank you", as the books tell you. In fact, you must show that you are slightly ill, but withstanding it like a martyr. So, you answer, 'Oh, mustn't grumble (cough)', or, 'Oh, not so bad (sniff)'. If you do it well, the other person will say, 'You sound like you have a touch of cold'. Well done! You now answer 'Oh, it's nothing (sneeze). How about you?'. The other person will now try to sound like their cold is worse.
Blame colds on the weather:
'It's all this hot weather', or,
'It's all this cold weather', or,
'It's all this changeable weather'.
3. Your relatives have 'the flu'
In England, we do not have exciting diseases like beri-beri, Deng fever, or Seckel's Bird-Face Syndrome. We only have boring ones, like heart disease, colds, or athlete's foot. So we exaggerate. We say that our husband has 'the flu'. Of course, it is not really influenza. That is a serious disease which can kill. It is only a cold. But you say it is 'the flu'.
4. 'Something going around'
Even better than 'the flu' is another disease, vaguely called 'something going around'. At least three other people at the Coffee Morning will say they know someone who has caught the 'something going around'. The three sick people will probably live hundreds of miles apart from each other in different countries, and have completely different symptoms. The person in Scotland has violent stomach-ache. The one in Wales has awful headaches. The one in Ireland has a runny nose. But it is all the same disease: 'something going around'.
5. I'm just so busy... yes, another coffee, please
If someone asks you what you are doing these days, you say that you are very busy. Of course, you are not really. If you were busy you would not be at a Coffee Morning. "My feet don't touch the ground!" is the usual way to say it. Everyone else will say they are busy too. You can all then stay as long as you like.
6. "I shouldn't" means 'Yes please'
For example, if someone offers you a cake or a tasty-looking cream scone, you say "I shouldn't!". You then take one, looking guilty, as if this is your first of the week.
7. Coffee and tea
If you are hosting a Coffee Morning but have only instant coffee, don't say that's all you have. Instead, offer your guests a wide range of strange, fictitious, beverages: pomegranate and geranium flower herbal tea, or laburnum and chilli-seed pressÈ, for example. They will decline, and will be grateful for your instant coffee.
Coffee Mornings are an excellent way to make friends and to establish yourself in a social circle. And a Coffee Morning often raises money for a good cause. Everyone donates a small sum of money to the charity ‚ for example, to provide a water-pump for an African village so the women don't have to go to a watering-hole.
Going Native