Opera Opera is the highest form of art. That is to say, it is the most expensive. A good seat at the opera in London costs well over £100. After paying for programme, interval drinks, taxis, and food on the way home, it will be nearer £200. There is no cheap way to do it. If you try a fish and chip shop instead of going to a restaurant, for example, you will end up with a dry-cleaning bill for your smart clothes equal to the difference in cost of the meals. So an evening for two at the opera, as host or guest, is not a casual thing. In some ways, opera is like a rock concert. The singers wear silly costumes, the words are incomprehensible, and the performance is not as good as the CD. But there is a big difference. A rock concert does not have class. Opera does. Why do people go to the opera, when they could buy a CD for a tenth of the price? First, you do not go to the opera to see the singers; you go to see who is in the audience. And to make sure the audience sees you. Second, whoever you are with, you do not want them to be impressed by the music. You want them to be impressed by you. Here is your guide to a successful trip to the opera. Where to go Glyndebourne, a country house in Sussex, is the best place. The productions and performers are excellent, but that is not what you go for. It is the intervals. They last well over an hour, and everyone takes picnic hampers and champagne into the large gardens. However, tickets are very difficult to get, and Royal Opera House (ROH) in Covent Garden in central London is more convenient for most people. What to wear Wherever the opera house, dress as elegantly and expensively as possible. But make sure the other person comes straight from work. Then you will look much smarter. Ideally, the other person has paid for the tickets, but because you are smarter, everyone thinks you paid. Before the performance Here is the correct conversation to have in the foyer: 'Have you been to Glyndebourne this year?' 'Yes' 'How was it?' 'Excellent. Sunny and warm. A few bottles of Bollinger, some smoked salmon. Saw lots of people we knewä' 'And how was the opera?' 'Can't remember. Something Italian.' During the performance Ignore the stage. You know who the performers are because you read the programme. Instead, scan the audience and make a note of any famous faces, or people you know. During the intervals Make sure you stand in a corner, facing the room, so the person you are with has to stand with their back to everyone. As they speak to you, keep looking over their shoulder and saying hello to people in various parts of the room. Of course, there is nobody there that you recognise. But the other person does not know this, because they cannot see. They will be impressed by how many people you know. If you really do see someone you know, this is very useful. Wait. If the other person asks you a question which might show your ignorance, you can suddenly say, 'Ah! Excuse me. I've just seen a friend I must go and say hello to....' Opinions on singers Opera buffs do not go to listen to singers, but to talk about them. This is a game you will quickly learn. The rules are that two people always disagree. Always wait for the other person to give an opinion, and then disagree: 'Bartoli is singing superbly tonight.' 'Hmm. I think she was better last year.' 'But in Rossini, she's unbeatable.' 'I prefer her Mozart, actually.' And so on. The opinions don't matter. It is the confidence they are spoken with that matters. The winner is the one talking when the bell goes to signal the start of the next act. After the performance Now is the time to tell the other person of all the people you saw in the audience. It is too late for them to prove you wrong. Make up a plausible mixture of the very famous ('I saw Tony and Cherie Blair up in one of the boxesä') the slightly famous ('The weather presenter on BBC2 was over to our rightä') and some acquaintances ('Did you see X, Y and Z behind us?') On the way home Getting a taxi is difficult after the opera. There are many people trying to get home. So let the other person hail the taxi. If they get one quickly, that's good. If they stand in the middle of the street waving like a crazed semaphore operator, unable to get one, then they have lost face instead of you. In the taxi, you can pretend to be asleep. This avoids having to answer any difficult questions, such as 'What did you think of the soprano?', or, 'Who's paying for the taxi?'. The next day Read the reviews in the papers. Then, if someone asks you about the opera, you can sound knowledgeable. In the evening, why not listen to a CD of the opera you saw the previous night. Sit down and relax with a drink. Now, at last, you can enjoy the music and singing.

Going Native main index